Guhhh. So I just spent the week in Chicago, cleaning houses in Cabrini Green (one of the slums of the city). It's hard work, I tell you! But the worst part is dealing with the people in my church group.
Among other shit that they pull, they were pestering me the whole week about how far I've gone with Alex. For everyone's information, we have made out. I don't want to go any farther than that, and I know he doesn't either, because we've talked about it. Because we're a weird-ass couple. XD
As a joke, one of them twisted my words and was like "Laura, you gave him head?" and spent the rest of the week implying that. I told her to cut the shit, because it was getting obnoxious and people were starting to think it was true. She responded with a lecture that went something like this:
"He may tell you that he doesn't want you to give him head, but he's just trying to get you to trust him so you'll do it anyway. You know you're going to have to do it eventually. He's making you happy! You have to make him happy in return."
Two words, folks. BULL SHIT. I do not have to do anything! I do not have to show my affection through sexual favors! And, I know him well enough to fully say that Alex is telling the truth when he told me he doesn't want to go farther than making out. And even if he does, he's polite enough not to say it. Plus, if he really was interested in me, he would accept the fact that I don't want to do that! Good thing for me, he does.
Why do people say shit like this? Why is there this peer pressure to "repay" someone for being your significant other? It's not like "yay, you're my boyfriend, so now you get blowjobs because you're taking time out of your life to spend it with me." And if it is, it shouldn't be. Argh.
I hate people making jokes about my lack of a sex life, and the fact that I want to keep it that way.
Cheers,
X
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Won't Trust A 'Ho.
Because the 'ho won't trust me.
So first off, I gots a boyfriendddd <3 Alex Workin. Man, I really really like that kid. Only been dating him for like 2 weeks, but still. And btw, he'd be the super-sweet best friend that I mentioned in my last entry.
Second of all, LUCY MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. Which explains the title of the entry. I know, it's in English, but I'ma make exceptions for song lyrics. Anywhoo, she is being SOOOO obnoxious. She's always hanging off of Alex's arm (or leg, or any other accessible appendage) and directing the attention to herself. She has this totally fucked up view of herself as being this skinny, sexy guy-magnet, which she isn't. Sure, guys like her, but it's because she puts out. I'm sorry, that sounds super mean, but it's true. There's only so many times she can pull the whole "my dad died" bullshit to get what she wants. Sure, it worked in the beginning, but that was over a year ago and just because her dad died doesn't mean everyone needs to fall on their knees before her and do her bidding. Oh, hey, I'm rambling. Anywhoo, I am très pissed at her. She totally hits on him and acts like she likes him, but I know she doesn't and she's only doing it to prove... something. I have no clue what goes on in her head. I only know it's probably not good.
On a lighter note, related to my first order of business, Alex makes me so very happy. He's warm... and freakin' comfy. :) It's his birthday today. I really wanted to do something for him, but I had soccer all day and I've got dinner plans in a few hours. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
...This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening, and I think you would agree, the best thing is that it's happening to you and me. :] <3
...Sorry. Wow, I'm pathetic. -.-
I think all my productive thoughts have just blown out the window. Might as well wrap this entry up. Sorry for not posting as much lately, btw.
Cheers, (and how cheery it is!)
X
So first off, I gots a boyfriendddd <3 Alex Workin. Man, I really really like that kid. Only been dating him for like 2 weeks, but still. And btw, he'd be the super-sweet best friend that I mentioned in my last entry.
Second of all, LUCY MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. Which explains the title of the entry. I know, it's in English, but I'ma make exceptions for song lyrics. Anywhoo, she is being SOOOO obnoxious. She's always hanging off of Alex's arm (or leg, or any other accessible appendage) and directing the attention to herself. She has this totally fucked up view of herself as being this skinny, sexy guy-magnet, which she isn't. Sure, guys like her, but it's because she puts out. I'm sorry, that sounds super mean, but it's true. There's only so many times she can pull the whole "my dad died" bullshit to get what she wants. Sure, it worked in the beginning, but that was over a year ago and just because her dad died doesn't mean everyone needs to fall on their knees before her and do her bidding. Oh, hey, I'm rambling. Anywhoo, I am très pissed at her. She totally hits on him and acts like she likes him, but I know she doesn't and she's only doing it to prove... something. I have no clue what goes on in her head. I only know it's probably not good.
On a lighter note, related to my first order of business, Alex makes me so very happy. He's warm... and freakin' comfy. :) It's his birthday today. I really wanted to do something for him, but I had soccer all day and I've got dinner plans in a few hours. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
...This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening, and I think you would agree, the best thing is that it's happening to you and me. :] <3
...Sorry. Wow, I'm pathetic. -.-
I think all my productive thoughts have just blown out the window. Might as well wrap this entry up. Sorry for not posting as much lately, btw.
Cheers, (and how cheery it is!)
X
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Angoisse Existentielle - aidez-moi !
*angst*
*angst*
*angst*
Like all stories usually starts, "so there's this guy..."
So, there is this guy. And I guess the only way to explain him is... obnoxious. Argh! He's so frustrating... immature... difficult... and sometimes kind of an asshole. But I like him. -.-
I've never gotten such mixed signals from anyone before. There are times when I'm almost completely positive he likes me - like when he stays up til an ungodly hour texting me, when he has a "phone curfew" and when he texts me first thing in the morning things like "wakey wakey!" and "rise and shine, sleepyhead!" It's an in-your-face kind of cute, since I usually don't want to get up that early, but still.
And then (cue sigh) and then, there are the times when I'm relatively sure he doesn't give a shit about me. Like, it was really late last night and I told him I was going to sleep, and he replies "go die." I was like ":(" ... it made me sad... he also kept calling me a bitch, but in his defense, I was kinda being one.
It really is a love/hate relationship. And I hate it.
I don't know if I'd ever date him. I mean, he's a cool kid most of the time (when he's not being a full-on jerk) but really, he's far too immature. I don't even know why I like him in the first place. Argh.
Plus there's the fact that his best friend is a total and complete sweetie. Honest to God, I love the kid to death, and I would totally date him in a heartbeat. I'm actually quite surprised he's single, he's such a cutie.
*Sigh* I have no idea what to do. HELP!
Cheers,
X
*angst*
*angst*
Like all stories usually starts, "so there's this guy..."
So, there is this guy. And I guess the only way to explain him is... obnoxious. Argh! He's so frustrating... immature... difficult... and sometimes kind of an asshole. But I like him. -.-
I've never gotten such mixed signals from anyone before. There are times when I'm almost completely positive he likes me - like when he stays up til an ungodly hour texting me, when he has a "phone curfew" and when he texts me first thing in the morning things like "wakey wakey!" and "rise and shine, sleepyhead!" It's an in-your-face kind of cute, since I usually don't want to get up that early, but still.
And then (cue sigh) and then, there are the times when I'm relatively sure he doesn't give a shit about me. Like, it was really late last night and I told him I was going to sleep, and he replies "go die." I was like ":(" ... it made me sad... he also kept calling me a bitch, but in his defense, I was kinda being one.
It really is a love/hate relationship. And I hate it.
I don't know if I'd ever date him. I mean, he's a cool kid most of the time (when he's not being a full-on jerk) but really, he's far too immature. I don't even know why I like him in the first place. Argh.
Plus there's the fact that his best friend is a total and complete sweetie. Honest to God, I love the kid to death, and I would totally date him in a heartbeat. I'm actually quite surprised he's single, he's such a cutie.
*Sigh* I have no idea what to do. HELP!
Cheers,
X
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Putain ce merde.
-bangs head on desk several times-
Order of Business 1: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR FREAKIN' EVER!!!
O.o.B. 2: Do you like my lovely little cynical French title? It means "fuck that shit."
O.o.B. 3: I actually have a reason for blogging, so maybe I should start ranting about it.
So, my friend Lauren has a boyfriend named Bryant. (They're the cutest couple, like, ever. Squee!) But one of my other friends, Lucy, is making some serious advances on the poor boy. I don't think it can even be qualified as "flirting" anymore, it's just downright inappropriate. We were at Pep Band (w00t!) last week, me, Lucy, and Bryant (and Chase and Reed, but they're not important here) and Lucy and Bryant were sitting on this counter by an ATM. And Lucy wraps his legs around her waist. It was really... awkward. For everyone. Except Lucy, of course. But if that isn't enough, she challenged him to a sext-off (and she was dead serious, even though she said she wasn't).
The worst part, though: After pep band, she started telling people that she gave Bryant a boner, and that he was "big". First of all, why in fucking hell would she say that shit? It's not true, and it's vulgar and wildly inappropriate.
I told both Lauren and Bryant what she was saying, and both are pretty damn pissed. Not that I blame them, but still. Lauren flipped a total shit at Lucy, and while Lauren is wont to do this, I think Lucy actually deserved it. And I usually side with the other person when Lauren's flipping a shit at them.
So Lucy and Lauren aren't talking, and Bryant's angry at Lucy and probably really confused too (poor guy), and here I am: trying to give the right information to the people who ask. Lucy's whining at me and asking why Lauren's being like this, and that "she'll get over it," but I don't think Lauren will, considering the shit Lucy's said to and about her boyfriend. Lauren's bitching at me about how Lucy needs to go die, and while I can see where Lucy's coming from (kinda), I sort of agree with Lauren (but not quite so violently.) And Bryant just wants to know what the hell is going on.
What's my role in this? Can I be on everybody's side without being considered a traitor? Should I just step out now? Should I take sides? I'm so confused. So far my only part of this has been delivering the false rumors to Lauren's and Bryant's ears and attemtping to give advice that won't insult the advisee.
Again I say, fuck this shit. I just wish Lucy would back off, that would make this so much easier.
Cheers,
X
Order of Business 1: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR FREAKIN' EVER!!!
O.o.B. 2: Do you like my lovely little cynical French title? It means "fuck that shit."
O.o.B. 3: I actually have a reason for blogging, so maybe I should start ranting about it.
So, my friend Lauren has a boyfriend named Bryant. (They're the cutest couple, like, ever. Squee!) But one of my other friends, Lucy, is making some serious advances on the poor boy. I don't think it can even be qualified as "flirting" anymore, it's just downright inappropriate. We were at Pep Band (w00t!) last week, me, Lucy, and Bryant (and Chase and Reed, but they're not important here) and Lucy and Bryant were sitting on this counter by an ATM. And Lucy wraps his legs around her waist. It was really... awkward. For everyone. Except Lucy, of course. But if that isn't enough, she challenged him to a sext-off (and she was dead serious, even though she said she wasn't).
The worst part, though: After pep band, she started telling people that she gave Bryant a boner, and that he was "big". First of all, why in fucking hell would she say that shit? It's not true, and it's vulgar and wildly inappropriate.
I told both Lauren and Bryant what she was saying, and both are pretty damn pissed. Not that I blame them, but still. Lauren flipped a total shit at Lucy, and while Lauren is wont to do this, I think Lucy actually deserved it. And I usually side with the other person when Lauren's flipping a shit at them.
So Lucy and Lauren aren't talking, and Bryant's angry at Lucy and probably really confused too (poor guy), and here I am: trying to give the right information to the people who ask. Lucy's whining at me and asking why Lauren's being like this, and that "she'll get over it," but I don't think Lauren will, considering the shit Lucy's said to and about her boyfriend. Lauren's bitching at me about how Lucy needs to go die, and while I can see where Lucy's coming from (kinda), I sort of agree with Lauren (but not quite so violently.) And Bryant just wants to know what the hell is going on.
What's my role in this? Can I be on everybody's side without being considered a traitor? Should I just step out now? Should I take sides? I'm so confused. So far my only part of this has been delivering the false rumors to Lauren's and Bryant's ears and attemtping to give advice that won't insult the advisee.
Again I say, fuck this shit. I just wish Lucy would back off, that would make this so much easier.
Cheers,
X
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Rôdeur
"Stalker".
I'm not sure whether or not I have one. But I do know that I have this sophomore who is paying me unwanted attention. And I want him to go away. Now.
Why do I think he's a stalker?
1) He's asked me about my relationship status.
2) He's asked me who I like.
3) He's asked me about my relationship history (i.e. "how far have you gone")
4) He's started hanging out with my friends at lunch.
5) He makes inappropriate comments about my body.
6) He has creeped on three of my friends before.
7) He has found one of those friends' cabin phone number, and another's cell number - without actually asking them.
Just to name a few.
Help. I want him to stop. I want him to leave me alone.
Cheers,
X
I'm not sure whether or not I have one. But I do know that I have this sophomore who is paying me unwanted attention. And I want him to go away. Now.
Why do I think he's a stalker?
1) He's asked me about my relationship status.
2) He's asked me who I like.
3) He's asked me about my relationship history (i.e. "how far have you gone")
4) He's started hanging out with my friends at lunch.
5) He makes inappropriate comments about my body.
6) He has creeped on three of my friends before.
7) He has found one of those friends' cabin phone number, and another's cell number - without actually asking them.
Just to name a few.
Help. I want him to stop. I want him to leave me alone.
Cheers,
X
Friday, February 6, 2009
Bloc d'auteurs
Also known to the English-speaking world as "writer's block."
Guh! I hate it! I have no imagination. I look for original plot ideas and come up empty. It's so frustrating! Everything these days is "vampires" this and "werewolves" that and it's like, really guys? Be original. Don't mooch of Stephenie Meyer's trend.
I also can't start stories for my life. I can write the middle and end, but the beginning.... nothing. I need help. Those online "writing prompts" don't help much either, because the original ones are all super random and bizarre, but not in a good way. I got one about a monk looking for his daughter in downtown NYC or something. Monks can't have kids. GR!
If anyone has a good writing prompt for me, let me know, because I'm metaphorically dying over here.
Cheers,
X
Guh! I hate it! I have no imagination. I look for original plot ideas and come up empty. It's so frustrating! Everything these days is "vampires" this and "werewolves" that and it's like, really guys? Be original. Don't mooch of Stephenie Meyer's trend.
I also can't start stories for my life. I can write the middle and end, but the beginning.... nothing. I need help. Those online "writing prompts" don't help much either, because the original ones are all super random and bizarre, but not in a good way. I got one about a monk looking for his daughter in downtown NYC or something. Monks can't have kids. GR!
If anyone has a good writing prompt for me, let me know, because I'm metaphorically dying over here.
Cheers,
X
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Voyez-vous ?
"Do you see me?"
"Do you see me now?"
I went to a church retreat with Lauren the other day talking about how Christ and sexual pressure relate to each other in a teenager's life. Meredith, a speaker, theorized that the one question asked by teenage girls is, "Do you see me?" Sex is a way of trying to figure out the answer of that question, a way for people to see you. This post, however, isn't about sex. It's about the question. "Do you see me?"
I've been thinking about that, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how true it is. And in my case, I'm really starting to think that the answer is "no."
I've made a recent observation that most of my friends are much more popular than I am. They're outgoing and talented, they have tons of friends, they don't seem to have many insecurities (and when they do they are honest and open about it). I'm not saying that I'm not any of the above, it's just they never seem to waver in personality. I've found myself changing to be liked by so many different people, trying to be liked by everyone. I've tried to be more outgoing, tried to be honest. But every single time, I feel fake. I'm sick of feeling fake so that people will see me.
The people who know me best still don't know very much about me. There are people with whom I share a lot with, but it's only a portion of everything I know about me. I hate the feeling of telling someone something about me and them making a fuss over it, because I know that there's more than that to me. There are things about me that I've only told one or two people, but for every one of those things, there are twenty more that I'd never tell anyone.
I feel bad when people say they know me really well. No one knows me very well. They may know more about me than others, but I've kept so much from everyone.
Back on the question "Do you see me?" - I want to be seen so badly, but I'm afraid of being seen too much. I know that I'm difficult to like at first. When no one is looking for me, I am unseen. Not on purpose, mind you. I only feel totally seen when someone who knows me sees me.
I feel like I'm defined in society only when I'm with my friends. More often then not I feel more like "______'s Friend" than "Laura." When people introduce themself to me, it's "You're Kelly's friend, right?" rather than "You're Laura, right?"
I feel parasitic to my friends. I bask in their glow because I haven't got the courage to shine for myself. When people see them (which people are bound to do), they don't always see me. They see that girl who stands in Lauren's/Joanne's/Lindsay's/whoever's shadow.
It's a vicious cycle. I can't be seen when I'm by myself because I'm afraid of letting people see too much, and yet I want so badly for someone, anyone to notice me for me, rather than "______'s Friend."
I feel omnipotent, like I observe the world without letting the world see me.
Am I omnipotent? Do people really not see me? I guess my friends can't really answer that question because I would imagine that it's hard not to notice someone who's eclipsing your sunlight.
Cheers (I guess),
X
"Do you see me now?"
I went to a church retreat with Lauren the other day talking about how Christ and sexual pressure relate to each other in a teenager's life. Meredith, a speaker, theorized that the one question asked by teenage girls is, "Do you see me?" Sex is a way of trying to figure out the answer of that question, a way for people to see you. This post, however, isn't about sex. It's about the question. "Do you see me?"
I've been thinking about that, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how true it is. And in my case, I'm really starting to think that the answer is "no."
I've made a recent observation that most of my friends are much more popular than I am. They're outgoing and talented, they have tons of friends, they don't seem to have many insecurities (and when they do they are honest and open about it). I'm not saying that I'm not any of the above, it's just they never seem to waver in personality. I've found myself changing to be liked by so many different people, trying to be liked by everyone. I've tried to be more outgoing, tried to be honest. But every single time, I feel fake. I'm sick of feeling fake so that people will see me.
The people who know me best still don't know very much about me. There are people with whom I share a lot with, but it's only a portion of everything I know about me. I hate the feeling of telling someone something about me and them making a fuss over it, because I know that there's more than that to me. There are things about me that I've only told one or two people, but for every one of those things, there are twenty more that I'd never tell anyone.
I feel bad when people say they know me really well. No one knows me very well. They may know more about me than others, but I've kept so much from everyone.
Back on the question "Do you see me?" - I want to be seen so badly, but I'm afraid of being seen too much. I know that I'm difficult to like at first. When no one is looking for me, I am unseen. Not on purpose, mind you. I only feel totally seen when someone who knows me sees me.
I feel like I'm defined in society only when I'm with my friends. More often then not I feel more like "______'s Friend" than "Laura." When people introduce themself to me, it's "You're Kelly's friend, right?" rather than "You're Laura, right?"
I feel parasitic to my friends. I bask in their glow because I haven't got the courage to shine for myself. When people see them (which people are bound to do), they don't always see me. They see that girl who stands in Lauren's/Joanne's/Lindsay's/whoever's shadow.
It's a vicious cycle. I can't be seen when I'm by myself because I'm afraid of letting people see too much, and yet I want so badly for someone, anyone to notice me for me, rather than "______'s Friend."
I feel omnipotent, like I observe the world without letting the world see me.
Am I omnipotent? Do people really not see me? I guess my friends can't really answer that question because I would imagine that it's hard not to notice someone who's eclipsing your sunlight.
Cheers (I guess),
X
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