Je ne dois pas.

Guhhh. So I just spent the week in Chicago, cleaning houses in Cabrini Green (one of the slums of the city). It's hard work, I tell you! But the worst part is dealing with the people in my church group.

Among other shit that they pull, they were pestering me the whole week about how far I've gone with Alex. For everyone's information, we have made out. I don't want to go any farther than that, and I know he doesn't either, because we've talked about it. Because we're a weird-ass couple. XD

As a joke, one of them twisted my words and was like "Laura, you gave him head?" and spent the rest of the week implying that. I told her to cut the shit, because it was getting obnoxious and people were starting to think it was true. She responded with a lecture that went something like this:

"He may tell you that he doesn't want you to give him head, but he's just trying to get you to trust him so you'll do it anyway. You know you're going to have to do it eventually. He's making you happy! You have to make him happy in return."

Two words, folks. BULL SHIT. I do not have to do anything! I do not have to show my affection through sexual favors! And, I know him well enough to fully say that Alex is telling the truth when he told me he doesn't want to go farther than making out. And even if he does, he's polite enough not to say it. Plus, if he really was interested in me, he would accept the fact that I don't want to do that! Good thing for me, he does.

Why do people say shit like this? Why is there this peer pressure to "repay" someone for being your significant other? It's not like "yay, you're my boyfriend, so now you get blowjobs because you're taking time out of your life to spend it with me." And if it is, it shouldn't be. Argh.

I hate people making jokes about my lack of a sex life, and the fact that I want to keep it that way.

Cheers,
X

Won't Trust A 'Ho.

Because the 'ho won't trust me.

So first off, I gots a boyfriendddd <3 Alex Workin. Man, I really really like that kid. Only been dating him for like 2 weeks, but still. And btw, he'd be the super-sweet best friend that I mentioned in my last entry.

Second of all, LUCY MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. Which explains the title of the entry. I know, it's in English, but I'ma make exceptions for song lyrics. Anywhoo, she is being SOOOO obnoxious. She's always hanging off of Alex's arm (or leg, or any other accessible appendage) and directing the attention to herself. She has this totally fucked up view of herself as being this skinny, sexy guy-magnet, which she isn't. Sure, guys like her, but it's because she puts out. I'm sorry, that sounds super mean, but it's true. There's only so many times she can pull the whole "my dad died" bullshit to get what she wants. Sure, it worked in the beginning, but that was over a year ago and just because her dad died doesn't mean everyone needs to fall on their knees before her and do her bidding. Oh, hey, I'm rambling. Anywhoo, I am très pissed at her. She totally hits on him and acts like she likes him, but I know she doesn't and she's only doing it to prove... something. I have no clue what goes on in her head. I only know it's probably not good.

On a lighter note, related to my first order of business, Alex makes me so very happy. He's warm... and freakin' comfy. :) It's his birthday today. I really wanted to do something for him, but I had soccer all day and I've got dinner plans in a few hours. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

...This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening, and I think you would agree, the best thing is that it's happening to you and me. :] <3

...Sorry. Wow, I'm pathetic. -.-

I think all my productive thoughts have just blown out the window. Might as well wrap this entry up. Sorry for not posting as much lately, btw.

Cheers, (and how cheery it is!)
X

Angoisse Existentielle - aidez-moi !

*angst*
*angst*
*angst*

Like all stories usually starts, "so there's this guy..."

So, there is this guy. And I guess the only way to explain him is... obnoxious. Argh! He's so frustrating... immature... difficult... and sometimes kind of an asshole. But I like him. -.-

I've never gotten such mixed signals from anyone before. There are times when I'm almost completely positive he likes me - like when he stays up til an ungodly hour texting me, when he has a "phone curfew" and when he texts me first thing in the morning things like "wakey wakey!" and "rise and shine, sleepyhead!" It's an in-your-face kind of cute, since I usually don't want to get up that early, but still.

And then (cue sigh) and then, there are the times when I'm relatively sure he doesn't give a shit about me. Like, it was really late last night and I told him I was going to sleep, and he replies "go die." I was like ":(" ... it made me sad... he also kept calling me a bitch, but in his defense, I was kinda being one.

It really is a love/hate relationship. And I hate it.

I don't know if I'd ever date him. I mean, he's a cool kid most of the time (when he's not being a full-on jerk) but really, he's far too immature. I don't even know why I like him in the first place. Argh.

Plus there's the fact that his best friend is a total and complete sweetie. Honest to God, I love the kid to death, and I would totally date him in a heartbeat. I'm actually quite surprised he's single, he's such a cutie.

*Sigh* I have no idea what to do. HELP!

Cheers,
X

Putain ce merde.

-bangs head on desk several times-

Order of Business 1: I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING FOR FREAKIN' EVER!!!

O.o.B. 2: Do you like my lovely little cynical French title? It means "fuck that shit."

O.o.B. 3: I actually have a reason for blogging, so maybe I should start ranting about it.

So, my friend Lauren has a boyfriend named Bryant. (They're the cutest couple, like, ever. Squee!) But one of my other friends, Lucy, is making some serious advances on the poor boy. I don't think it can even be qualified as "flirting" anymore, it's just downright inappropriate. We were at Pep Band (w00t!) last week, me, Lucy, and Bryant (and Chase and Reed, but they're not important here) and Lucy and Bryant were sitting on this counter by an ATM. And Lucy wraps his legs around her waist. It was really... awkward. For everyone. Except Lucy, of course. But if that isn't enough, she challenged him to a sext-off (and she was dead serious, even though she said she wasn't).
The worst part, though: After pep band, she started telling people that she gave Bryant a boner, and that he was "big". First of all, why in fucking hell would she say that shit? It's not true, and it's vulgar and wildly inappropriate.
I told both Lauren and Bryant what she was saying, and both are pretty damn pissed. Not that I blame them, but still. Lauren flipped a total shit at Lucy, and while Lauren is wont to do this, I think Lucy actually deserved it. And I usually side with the other person when Lauren's flipping a shit at them.
So Lucy and Lauren aren't talking, and Bryant's angry at Lucy and probably really confused too (poor guy), and here I am: trying to give the right information to the people who ask. Lucy's whining at me and asking why Lauren's being like this, and that "she'll get over it," but I don't think Lauren will, considering the shit Lucy's said to and about her boyfriend. Lauren's bitching at me about how Lucy needs to go die, and while I can see where Lucy's coming from (kinda), I sort of agree with Lauren (but not quite so violently.) And Bryant just wants to know what the hell is going on.
What's my role in this? Can I be on everybody's side without being considered a traitor? Should I just step out now? Should I take sides? I'm so confused. So far my only part of this has been delivering the false rumors to Lauren's and Bryant's ears and attemtping to give advice that won't insult the advisee.
Again I say, fuck this shit. I just wish Lucy would back off, that would make this so much easier.

Cheers,
X

Rôdeur

"Stalker".

I'm not sure whether or not I have one. But I do know that I have this sophomore who is paying me unwanted attention. And I want him to go away. Now.

Why do I think he's a stalker?
1) He's asked me about my relationship status.
2) He's asked me who I like.
3) He's asked me about my relationship history (i.e. "how far have you gone")
4) He's started hanging out with my friends at lunch.
5) He makes inappropriate comments about my body.
6) He has creeped on three of my friends before.
7) He has found one of those friends' cabin phone number, and another's cell number - without actually asking them.

Just to name a few.

Help. I want him to stop. I want him to leave me alone.

Cheers,
X

Bloc d'auteurs

Also known to the English-speaking world as "writer's block."

Guh! I hate it! I have no imagination. I look for original plot ideas and come up empty. It's so frustrating! Everything these days is "vampires" this and "werewolves" that and it's like, really guys? Be original. Don't mooch of Stephenie Meyer's trend.

I also can't start stories for my life. I can write the middle and end, but the beginning.... nothing. I need help. Those online "writing prompts" don't help much either, because the original ones are all super random and bizarre, but not in a good way. I got one about a monk looking for his daughter in downtown NYC or something. Monks can't have kids. GR!

If anyone has a good writing prompt for me, let me know, because I'm metaphorically dying over here.

Cheers,
X

Voyez-vous ?

"Do you see me?"

"Do you see me now?"

I went to a church retreat with Lauren the other day talking about how Christ and sexual pressure relate to each other in a teenager's life. Meredith, a speaker, theorized that the one question asked by teenage girls is, "Do you see me?" Sex is a way of trying to figure out the answer of that question, a way for people to see you. This post, however, isn't about sex. It's about the question. "Do you see me?"

I've been thinking about that, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how true it is. And in my case, I'm really starting to think that the answer is "no."

I've made a recent observation that most of my friends are much more popular than I am. They're outgoing and talented, they have tons of friends, they don't seem to have many insecurities (and when they do they are honest and open about it). I'm not saying that I'm not any of the above, it's just they never seem to waver in personality. I've found myself changing to be liked by so many different people, trying to be liked by everyone. I've tried to be more outgoing, tried to be honest. But every single time, I feel fake. I'm sick of feeling fake so that people will see me.

The people who know me best still don't know very much about me. There are people with whom I share a lot with, but it's only a portion of everything I know about me. I hate the feeling of telling someone something about me and them making a fuss over it, because I know that there's more than that to me. There are things about me that I've only told one or two people, but for every one of those things, there are twenty more that I'd never tell anyone.

I feel bad when people say they know me really well. No one knows me very well. They may know more about me than others, but I've kept so much from everyone.

Back on the question "Do you see me?" - I want to be seen so badly, but I'm afraid of being seen too much. I know that I'm difficult to like at first. When no one is looking for me, I am unseen. Not on purpose, mind you. I only feel totally seen when someone who knows me sees me.

I feel like I'm defined in society only when I'm with my friends. More often then not I feel more like "______'s Friend" than "Laura." When people introduce themself to me, it's "You're Kelly's friend, right?" rather than "You're Laura, right?"

I feel parasitic to my friends. I bask in their glow because I haven't got the courage to shine for myself. When people see them (which people are bound to do), they don't always see me. They see that girl who stands in Lauren's/Joanne's/Lindsay's/whoever's shadow.

It's a vicious cycle. I can't be seen when I'm by myself because I'm afraid of letting people see too much, and yet I want so badly for someone, anyone to notice me for me, rather than "______'s Friend."

I feel omnipotent, like I observe the world without letting the world see me.

Am I omnipotent? Do people really not see me? I guess my friends can't really answer that question because I would imagine that it's hard not to notice someone who's eclipsing your sunlight.

Cheers (I guess),
X

Le nouveau mancandy potentiel

Okay, so I don't know how to say mancandy in French, sue me. Heck, that may not even be a word in French. It's certainly not a real word in English.

But anyway!

There may be potential mancandy arriving at EPHS! Well, at least I know he's arriving, but I don't know if he's mancandy yet because I haven't "officially" met him.

His name is Ian, and I don't know his last name, but he's transferring here. His mom and my mom are friends, so I've been talking to him over the phone and texting him. He's pretty nice, and we have a lot in common. I'm going to actually meet him in person tomorrow, so I can finish his mancandy analysis. Well, okay, that's not the real reason we're meeting, but yeah, you get the picture.

So that's what's up with me.

Cheers,
X

La danse !

Woot, First Post Of 2009!!

So it's after Christmas and New Years, which means the next big event on my radar is Selgae's, which is our school's equivalent of a Sadie Hawkins dance (girls ask guys, you get it). I'm so, SO excited! I have everything all prepared... except for my dress and my date.

As for my dress, I've found a few good ones, but if anyone has some sapphire jewelry they'd like to lend me, that would be much appreciated.

And the date... I don't know. Many people have been telling me to ask a certain someone, but I don't know, and apart from persuading me, it's pissing me off. I'm relatively sure that two or three friends are plotting to ask him for me, but there will be hell to pay if they do. The funny thing is, I wouldn't mind going with said certain someone. I'm not sure if I like him or not, but I do know that he is freaking awesome and that it would be fun if I went with him. I'd just probably get total shit for it. Another friend of mine is also planning to hook me up with one of her friends from karate, who I've never met, so that should be interesting. Ah well, I'll probably end up going with one of my galpals :]

But, aside from that, I am super excited! I love our high school dances, because the gym is so fricking big that it can actually fit everyone quite nicely. Given that Selgae's is a Valentines Day dance, I doubt there will be as much grinding as usual, though it totally wouldn't surprise me.

Well, happy 2009 everyone, make it a great year...

...
...
...
Or not! The choice is yours!
(Haha, everyone who goes to EPHS will understand this)

Cheers,
X

Bon Noël ?

"Tis the season to be jolly, falalalalala. I love this time of year. Of course, who couldn't; making everything look festive, baking cookies, presents, snow, catchy songs... But there's also several things that bug me about the Christmas season.

One, I don't understand all the Christmas songs that involve people falling in love on Christmas Eve. For me, Christmas is about spending time with my family, and while I understand that I'm also 14 and can't drive or go to bars, I can't imagine why people would want to be out of their house on Christmas Eve, unless they lived very far away from their parents and going home is expensive and inconvenient. But I wish there were less Christmas songs about falling in love. I mean, I understand that Christmas is a magical time of year, and emotions are high, but in reality, it's not going to happen and it's kind of cruel of the media to project this image that you'll find your true love around the Christmas season.

Two, why schools can't call it "Christmas vacation," but they can have "Secret Santa" parties and sing Christmas carols for choir lessons. I think it's a little bit hypocritial of them. And really, why is it necessary to go to so much precaution to avoid "offending" people who don't celebrate Christmas. If anything, I would think that they wouldn't mind having two freebie weeks off for no special purpose. And a lot of people I know who aren't Christian celebrate Christmas. I just don't see what all the fuss is about.

Three, Minnesota winters. I love snow at first, when it's falling and it looks beautiful. But after Christmas, I would like it to disappear. It doesn't look pretty anymore; it looks like dog crap, from all the grit and dirt that defiles it. It gets bitterly cold, and it's just cold and ugly outside. My least favorite months are mid-January to March. I don't really know how it pertains to Christmas, but my weird little mind makes a connection and therefore so should yours.

Ahh well. There's more good then bad anyways. Happy Holidays, everyone.
Cheers,
X

Je le veux...

How long does it usually take to get over someone? Like seriously. I swear to gawd I'm over him and then I hear a song that reminds me of him and BAM!, I miss him all over again.

Some song lyrics that describe me right now:

Do you want me, like I want you? - Jewel, Standing Still

Everytime I've figured out, or found a way to live without, you come around and everything's all wrong... - Graham Colton, You Find A Way

Only dreaming that you're missing me... - Basshunter, Now You're Gone

It's always times like these when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me. - Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again... - Secondhand Serenade, Fall For You

I wanna take you back, back to where we started, before the lights had changed... - Graham Colton, Take You Back

But you, you're always on my mind, it's like this all the time... - Jewel, Again and Again

One more night, I wanna be with you... - Cascada, One More Night

With you, I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand... - Nickelback, Far Away

I'm here without you, baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. - 3 Doors Down, Here Without You

I can't hold onto you, so I guess I'll be lonely too. - Secondhand Serenade, Suppose

I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms, try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past. - Simple Plan, I'd Do Anything

I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around. - Lifehouse, Whatever It Takes

There's a lot I will never do, some fantastic I know it's true, but not as much as my want to be with you. - Barenaked Ladies, Some Fantastic

I never thought that I had any more to give, you're pushing me so far, here I am without you. - Gavin Rossdale, Love Remains The Same

Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have. - Teddy Geiger, For You I Will

Tell me why you're so hard to forget, don't remind me I'm not over it. - David Archuleta, A Little Too Not Over You

Imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. - Christine Daae/Emmy Rossum, Think Of Me

~

I also feel really weird admitting this, but I cut his name in my wrist. Which is just a little screwy. JUST A LITTLE. Great, the last thing I need is feeling super bad for A) cutting, B) liking my ex, and C) liking my ex to a point that I start cutting. Jeez. I am SO MESSED UP.

~

I don't want to like him. He needs to get the fuck out of my head, and stay out for good.

~

So yeah, that just about sums me up right now.
Cheers,
X

Mon profil

Okay, so I was reading my friend Andi's blog, and I realized I totally forgot a profile. Jeez. *whacks self in head*


Name: Laura Jean Henry
Year: 9. Freshie in high school, baby!
Birthday: May 26
Favorite colors: Lilac, baby blue, mint green, silver, black.
About Me:
-I have vicious mood swings. One moment I'll be happy and crazy and another moment I'll be angry and depressed.
-I would rather be blind than deaf because no sound equals no music.
-My favorite songs are those that relate to my life, or have a catchy beat. Some of my current favorites are Just Dance by Lady Gaga, La Lettre by Renan Luce (it's all in French), You Find A Way by Grahan Colton, and The Best Thing by Relient K.
-I'm one of those people who likes a song either before or after it's popular, because I don't like to listen to the radio.
-I like engineering.
-Writing is my calling, it's the only way I know to let out my emotions when people just won't listen.
-I could never be a doctor, human or animal, because I can't stand the sight of wounded animals and I despise most bodily fluids. Except blood. I find blood fascinating.
-My drawing skills are limited to heads (without a model) and still-lifes (with models).
-I compose music, but I don't think I'm that good. I'm working on a piece to one of Lauren's poems, Be My Constellation. http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2507667/1/Be_My_Constellation. I recommend her stuff, it's great.
-I adore my friends. I can't stress this enough.
-I love the French language; it's so exotic and beautiful.
-I'm fine with the way I look, but sometimes I wish I was supermodel-pretty, without the skinny, airbrushed look.
-I hate that I have so much hair. It took the professionals about an hour and a half to straighten it... and it curled up again the next day. Even getting it thinned doesn't help. I would never color it though, I like my color. It's like, butterscotch-y.
-One of my guilty pleasures is GL magazine. Another is the Backstreet Boys.
-I don't like TV... but I'll make an exception for Greek. It's a fun show.
-I talk a lot. Could you tell? :]
-I value causal chatting and normal stuff in a relationship as much as I value deep talks and physical contact. I think it's adorable when two people still flirt with each other even if they're already dating.
-I don't believe in love at first sight. I think it's a bag of bullshit.
-I'm majorly superstitious, except for the number 13.
-I can read tarot cards.
-I play piano, alto saxophone, tenor saxophone, and some acoustic guitar (but I'm not that good), and I sing.
-I would love to be in a band.
-I procrastinate like hell, and yet I'm terribly impatient. It's kind of ironic.

Wanna know more? Then message me! Or comment. Or something. :]
Cheers,
X

L'amour est difficile....

...Or, "love is difficult," if you don't speak French.

Which it is.

This requires quite a bit of backtracking for those of you who don't know my story well. So in June, I started dating Mitch, who I had liked for ages but didn't mention it since he was dating my friend.
It wasn't a typical summer romance, since both of us went to camps and vacations and whatnot, and whenever I returned from a vacation or camp he would have to leave for one. We saw each other about four times over the summer.

Well... I broke up with him. I don't even remember why I did it. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time, I guess.

As cliché tends to define my life at times, I started liking him again last night at a mutual friend's birthday party. I hadn't talked to him that much since we broke up, (I mean, we talked and joked around as friends and stuff, but it was always just a little bit...off) but it was actually not awkward last night.

I really, really like him... but I also dumped him. I have no clue how I'm going to go about getting him back, don't even know if it's possible...anyone have suggestions? Without telling me that it's kind of my fault that I'm in this mess?

Love sucks....

I think I might ask him to St. Selgae's, which is like our school's Sadie's/girl's choice dance. You need a date to get in anyway, so if I wanna go I might as well.... >w<

I really wanna tell him this... but I have no idea if or how much I hurt him with the breakup. He didn't really let on much... I just wish that I could take back the breakup... or at least read his mind to see if he still wouldn't mind giving me a chance...

Cheers, (though I'm not very cheery at the moment)
X

Mon Amie ou Non?

Do you have those friends where you love hanging out with them and at the same time you don't? That's how I sometimes feel about a friend of mine, let's call her "Sara" (because I know people who follow my blog know who she is). She's so much fun, and hanging out with her is great.

And at the same time... I don't really connect with her. One of my really really close friends (let's call her "Amanda") knows Sara better than I do, and says that Sara sometimes talks about people behind their backs. But when I question Amanda about it, she says that Sara hasn't said anything about me. And yet...

I don't want to say I don't like her, because I do. But some of my other friends are very close to her and are all, "Sara's so cool, she throws great parties, she said..." and on. During such conversations, I think, "I've never been invited to one of her parties. (Except through offhand "You should come to Sara's" from friends to whom I am closer than her.) She doesn't act like that around me. Why won't she joke like that to me? And the conversation always ends up being somewhat one-sided because I can't really agree, and I can't really disagree, and it's pretty awkward.

So maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe she's not my best, best, best friend. But she's so close with all of my other super-close friends... just not me.

She's awesome...but we don't really talk a lot. She only seems to talk to me face-to-face if there's a mutual friend nearby, and then sporadically online.

I want to ask her what she really thinks, and at the same time I don't. I don't want her to think I don't like her. I don't want her to think I'm doubting her credibility as a friend, especially if it's not true. But I do want to know.

Ehh well, I'll find out in due time.

Cheers,
X

Bonjour. Comment ça va?

Hey, all. X here. This blog will contain my honest, brutal opinion of things going on in my life.

You ever have those moments when you want to say something to someone, but can't because it's embarrassing / imprudent / insensitive / flaky / whatever? Since those moments tend to define my life in general, and I end up with my foot in my mouth a lot, this will be my new outlet in an attempt to gain a filter on my brain to sort the stupid things I say from the intelligent ones.

Let's hope this works.

Cheers,
X