Voyez-vous ?

"Do you see me?"

"Do you see me now?"

I went to a church retreat with Lauren the other day talking about how Christ and sexual pressure relate to each other in a teenager's life. Meredith, a speaker, theorized that the one question asked by teenage girls is, "Do you see me?" Sex is a way of trying to figure out the answer of that question, a way for people to see you. This post, however, isn't about sex. It's about the question. "Do you see me?"

I've been thinking about that, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how true it is. And in my case, I'm really starting to think that the answer is "no."

I've made a recent observation that most of my friends are much more popular than I am. They're outgoing and talented, they have tons of friends, they don't seem to have many insecurities (and when they do they are honest and open about it). I'm not saying that I'm not any of the above, it's just they never seem to waver in personality. I've found myself changing to be liked by so many different people, trying to be liked by everyone. I've tried to be more outgoing, tried to be honest. But every single time, I feel fake. I'm sick of feeling fake so that people will see me.

The people who know me best still don't know very much about me. There are people with whom I share a lot with, but it's only a portion of everything I know about me. I hate the feeling of telling someone something about me and them making a fuss over it, because I know that there's more than that to me. There are things about me that I've only told one or two people, but for every one of those things, there are twenty more that I'd never tell anyone.

I feel bad when people say they know me really well. No one knows me very well. They may know more about me than others, but I've kept so much from everyone.

Back on the question "Do you see me?" - I want to be seen so badly, but I'm afraid of being seen too much. I know that I'm difficult to like at first. When no one is looking for me, I am unseen. Not on purpose, mind you. I only feel totally seen when someone who knows me sees me.

I feel like I'm defined in society only when I'm with my friends. More often then not I feel more like "______'s Friend" than "Laura." When people introduce themself to me, it's "You're Kelly's friend, right?" rather than "You're Laura, right?"

I feel parasitic to my friends. I bask in their glow because I haven't got the courage to shine for myself. When people see them (which people are bound to do), they don't always see me. They see that girl who stands in Lauren's/Joanne's/Lindsay's/whoever's shadow.

It's a vicious cycle. I can't be seen when I'm by myself because I'm afraid of letting people see too much, and yet I want so badly for someone, anyone to notice me for me, rather than "______'s Friend."

I feel omnipotent, like I observe the world without letting the world see me.

Am I omnipotent? Do people really not see me? I guess my friends can't really answer that question because I would imagine that it's hard not to notice someone who's eclipsing your sunlight.

Cheers (I guess),
X